Drinking Solves Nothing

I’m especially mad at myself. I let everything get to me last week–my son’s suicide, the estrangement of my daughters, missing my grandson, my husband’s lung cancer, my pompous, self-important, condescending boss, and my impossibly cluttered-up house. How did I cope? On Wednesday night, I got drunk, very, very drunk. I sat on the front porch for hours downing gin and tonic and talking to my 14-year-old cat about my failed life. She’s old. She’d rather spend the time she has left peacefully lazing on the toile settee rather than listening to my nonsensical ramblings. She was an ideal companion, a captive audience because of her arthritis, which made it painful for her to walk away. Additionally, I tempted her to stay with a package of Surf and Turf.

Thursday was horrible. I felt so ill at work, dizzy, nauseated, exhausted, depressed, jumpy, and unable to concentrate. At one point, I even nodded off while typing. I felt too god-awful to go to my dental appointment, so I canceled it. I was extremely relieved when the work day finally dragged to its conclusion. Getting drunk, of course, solved nothing. It made everything even more depressing and far worse.

Yesterday was a beautiful April Friday in Louisiana. It was my day off, a day in which I still felt sick, exhausted, and, yes, still a bit hungover from Wednesday night’s excess.

Yesterday afternoon, my husband and I went on what to me was an embarrassing mission. We took almost $300 worth of coins to the credit union where I work to be deposited. I had accumulated the coins over a period of about three years by saving my daily change. I won’t be doing that again. It took forever for the coin machine to count it, and I sensed that the teller was particularly perturbed, not that I blame her. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Once home, I slept the afternoon and evening away. Instead, I should have done some much-needed housework and prepared homework for an online course I’m taking.

I don’t want to drink again, which is a common vow after a killer hangover. In my case, drinking has become a problem, not a temporary, sometimes problem. Lately, it’s something I want to do everyday, so it’s something I must stop and leave behind forever. I’m writing about this here to make myself accountable and to remind myself why exactly I need to quit.